Day 17 – Went grocery shopping for the first time in a long while today. Thanks to everyone who has been sending food over and groceries. Its been really fun playing Chopped in my kitchen figuring out how to make different food with 5 different ingredients :)
Day 16 – It’s been one month now since Jorel left us. Before he was intubated, he insisted he felt fine and it wasn’t anything crazy. So in the two weeks after he told us “farewell” since he was going to be sedated – where we were completely helpless from seeing him or even talking to him – I struggled every day with why he wasn’t getting better. On the morning of the worse day of my life, I was told Jorel is in heaven. I didn’t believe it, i had to wait for my dad to say the words out loud even while he was crying, and even then it didn’t make any sense. He can’t be dead, your brother isn’t supposed to die, not before you raise your kids together, grow your business together, have guys nights out and bbqs together, not before you play basketball when we’re 60 and 65 and I beat you, you can’t die, your brother is supposed to grow old with you. He’s not supposed to die. Those following days I’ve been on autopilot, all while hypersensitive to every moment that relates to my brothers final weeks with us, what he was thinking, where he was going, what he meant when he said farewell, or why he did certain things, ill never know the answers, but I’ll find myself driving the road he drove on the way to the hospital and how he thought he’d be driving that road home after a couple hours after his visit where he thought he’d just get some medicine. What he was thinking, If he was lonely, if he was afraid even though he truly didn’t seem like it. Every day has been bland and tasteless and I’m going through the motions. And although I know time will heal all things, (Believe me I know, and I have an amazing support group of friends and family) in all truth and emotional fatigue, this is really just about how much this just sucks, not just for me but for everyone that was close to Jorel, all of us who were left behind by anyone because of this virus, its not right, its not right and its not going to get easier, for a while, it just sucks. And I’m okay with that.
With that being said, I miss my brother dearly, here are a few photos I took from the years once he started his family. He was one of my first models :)
Day 15 – one day at a time